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EUROVISION STILL THE WRONG CONTEST FOR UK - CLEARLY EUROPE HATES US
By Jim Shelley
Mirror
http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/shelleyvision/2010/05/eurovision-still-the-wrong-con.html
May 31 2010
UK
During the build-up to this year's Eurovision Song Contest, Graham
Norton uttered words guaranteed to strike fear into any sane man's
heart... "Azerbaijan is the hot favourite."
Did no one think the UK - the country that gave the world The Beatles,
punk rock and Making Your Mind Up - had a hope of beating Azerbaijan?
No, non, niet, they didn't.
With four hours of "semi-finals" and a three-hour final, the BBC
was taking no chances. Someone in Britain, they judged, must give
a monkey's.
This year's contest had all the classic ingredients of a
great/appalling Eurovision:
- A Moldovan fiddler standing on a giant record player, spinning
round at 78rpm.
- Eastern European backing dancers performing street mime you'd see
in Covent Gardenski.
- Songs with exclamation marks, including Allez Ola Ole! by Frenchman
Jessy Matador (not, I suspect, his real name).
There were the usual angst-ridden political anthems containing gnomic
philosophies such as Life Looks Better In Spring by Cyprus. Rather
confusingly, it was sung by some bloke from Wales.
Iceland's song, meanwhile, was called Je Ne Sais Quoi while Denmark's
representative was a Sting impersonator who had sold 40 million albums
in Russia.
A hooded Ukrainian version of Roxy from EastEnders sang Sweet People.
"Oh sweet people," she admonished us. "Vot haff you done? Must you
go on killing/Just to pass the time?"
God knows what Armenia's Apricot Stone was about, but it included a
piccolo-player in his pyjamas carrying a vase and, you've guessed it,
a huge apricot stone.
The night started with Spain's answer to Leo Sayer facing a stage
invasion by a man in a bobble hat who was taken away by security -
either to the Norwegian equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, or forced to
stay and watch the rest of the show as punishment.
The most surreal sight was the hosts' trans-European dance routine,
presumably intended to demonstrate the universal language of appalling
music.
The sight of 18,000 audience members waving their hands in the air
in Oslo resembled a Norwegian Nazi rally.
Graham Norton then promised: "In a few moments, we'll be going live
to a flashmob in Germany." Don't!
My favourite was by Greece. Titled Opa, its militaristic disco-Cossack
was so catchy, you believed a small army of butch men in white jeans
and beads could invade another country's discos chanting "O-pa!"
The worst effort was a ladyboy version of Fernando Torres performing
what can only be described as Serbian reggae.
Speaking of rubbish, the UK was represented by 19-year-old
novice/non-entity Josh Dubovie singing a song written by those
contemporary pop masters Mike Stock and Pete Waterman called That
Sounds Good To Me.
But 120 million Europeans begged to differ.
We've come in the bottom two three times in four years. It's time to
take this tripe seriously.
Azerbaijan invested £2million and recruited Beyonce's choreographer.
Surely someone half decent must want to perform in front of 120
million people?
Simon Cowell: your country needs you. The winner was Lena, the night's
most irksome act, a German version of Bjork (just vot ze world needs).
Her song Satellite stormed home with 246 points - 76 clear of the
runners-up and a mere 236 ahead of the UK, who came last with dix
points.
Why we screen it, I don't know. The message is clear: Everybody
hates us.
From: A. Papazian
By Jim Shelley
Mirror
http://blogs.mirror.co.uk/shelleyvision/2010/05/eurovision-still-the-wrong-con.html
May 31 2010
UK
During the build-up to this year's Eurovision Song Contest, Graham
Norton uttered words guaranteed to strike fear into any sane man's
heart... "Azerbaijan is the hot favourite."
Did no one think the UK - the country that gave the world The Beatles,
punk rock and Making Your Mind Up - had a hope of beating Azerbaijan?
No, non, niet, they didn't.
With four hours of "semi-finals" and a three-hour final, the BBC
was taking no chances. Someone in Britain, they judged, must give
a monkey's.
This year's contest had all the classic ingredients of a
great/appalling Eurovision:
- A Moldovan fiddler standing on a giant record player, spinning
round at 78rpm.
- Eastern European backing dancers performing street mime you'd see
in Covent Gardenski.
- Songs with exclamation marks, including Allez Ola Ole! by Frenchman
Jessy Matador (not, I suspect, his real name).
There were the usual angst-ridden political anthems containing gnomic
philosophies such as Life Looks Better In Spring by Cyprus. Rather
confusingly, it was sung by some bloke from Wales.
Iceland's song, meanwhile, was called Je Ne Sais Quoi while Denmark's
representative was a Sting impersonator who had sold 40 million albums
in Russia.
A hooded Ukrainian version of Roxy from EastEnders sang Sweet People.
"Oh sweet people," she admonished us. "Vot haff you done? Must you
go on killing/Just to pass the time?"
God knows what Armenia's Apricot Stone was about, but it included a
piccolo-player in his pyjamas carrying a vase and, you've guessed it,
a huge apricot stone.
The night started with Spain's answer to Leo Sayer facing a stage
invasion by a man in a bobble hat who was taken away by security -
either to the Norwegian equivalent of Guantanamo Bay, or forced to
stay and watch the rest of the show as punishment.
The most surreal sight was the hosts' trans-European dance routine,
presumably intended to demonstrate the universal language of appalling
music.
The sight of 18,000 audience members waving their hands in the air
in Oslo resembled a Norwegian Nazi rally.
Graham Norton then promised: "In a few moments, we'll be going live
to a flashmob in Germany." Don't!
My favourite was by Greece. Titled Opa, its militaristic disco-Cossack
was so catchy, you believed a small army of butch men in white jeans
and beads could invade another country's discos chanting "O-pa!"
The worst effort was a ladyboy version of Fernando Torres performing
what can only be described as Serbian reggae.
Speaking of rubbish, the UK was represented by 19-year-old
novice/non-entity Josh Dubovie singing a song written by those
contemporary pop masters Mike Stock and Pete Waterman called That
Sounds Good To Me.
But 120 million Europeans begged to differ.
We've come in the bottom two three times in four years. It's time to
take this tripe seriously.
Azerbaijan invested £2million and recruited Beyonce's choreographer.
Surely someone half decent must want to perform in front of 120
million people?
Simon Cowell: your country needs you. The winner was Lena, the night's
most irksome act, a German version of Bjork (just vot ze world needs).
Her song Satellite stormed home with 246 points - 76 clear of the
runners-up and a mere 236 ahead of the UK, who came last with dix
points.
Why we screen it, I don't know. The message is clear: Everybody
hates us.
From: A. Papazian