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Hey, Mr. President! What did Canada ever do to you?

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  • Hey, Mr. President! What did Canada ever do to you?

    The Gazette, Montreal, Canada
    May 23 2009


    Hey, Mr. President! What did Canada ever do to you?


    By JOSH FREED, The GazetteMay 23, 2009

    Dear President Obama, Like most Canadians I rooted for you madly and
    cried when you were elected President-of-The-World. So far, I think
    you've been a great leader, reaching out to the whole planet.

    But you've forgotten one nation - Canada.

    On June 1, you will officially defend the "world's longest undefended
    border," a border I've crossed hundreds of times. From now on, we
    Canadians need passports to enter the U.S., a major hassle for
    truckdrivers, boaters and shmoes like me who can no longer cross to
    buy cheap Polo shirts without remembering to pack passports for the
    whole family.

    This will also end a long U.S.-Canada tradition - the army of under-
    21 U.S. college students who pour into Canada for their first legal
    drinking binge. Many won't bother to get the passports they'll need to
    get back into the States - so we may have to keep them.

    Why the change? Our nations always boasted "the world's friendliest
    border," but now you Americans see us as Afghanistanada, a terrorist
    haven with porous borders guarded by Frosty the Snowman. Your
    politicians rant about our supposedly lax security. Last week, even
    Hillary Clinton talked about "hardening" the U.S.-Canada "water
    borders" with more patrols, as if the Great Lakes were filled with
    Somali pirates.

    Meanwhile, your new Homeland Security chief, Janet Napolitano, told
    CBC the reason for the new passport law was that the 9/11 terrorists
    "entered our country ... across the Canadian border."

    Hello? Fact check - or as CNN always says, "time to keep'em honest."
    Sorry Mr. President, but none of the 9/11 terrorists came across the
    Canadian border. You let them all in yourselves with your lax security
    - so if anything we should be toughening our border against you.

    Our only would-be Canadian terrorist was Ahmed Ressam back in 1999 and
    they caught him at the border. But somehow the idea Canada was Jihad
    Training Central for 9/11 bombers

    became an urban myth - part of a "blame Canada" list that includes mad
    cow, SARS and any U.S. blizzard.

    Yes, Mr. President, I know your border policy is just a continuation
    of Bush-league ones you inherited. But you don't have the excuse Bush
    did: He was dim and you're brilliant. So why blame us? Are you trying
    to show Americans you're not as liberal as you look? I can hear the
    cabinet meeting:

    Adviser: Well, sir, you're looking a bit soft on foreign
    policy. You've opened up to Cuba, offered to talk with Iran's
    "I'm-a-dinner-jacket" and negotiate with Hamas and the Taliban. You've
    got to show some toughness somewhere, sir.

    Obama: Okay, I hear you. Let me check my BlackBerry here for a list of
    countries to see where we can make a tough stand. Hmm ... Albania,
    Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Aruba - hey, how about Azerbaijan?

    Adviser: No need, sir. We've already found a country - Canada!

    Obama: But they're completely harmless. They're our best friends.

    Homeland: Exactly, sir. They'll never fight back.

    Sorry, Mr. President, I understand America's frustration. Eight years
    after Sept. 11, you still can't find Osama, you're fleeing Iraq and
    your banks are broke. But why take it out on Canada?

    Do you really think demanding passports from 35 million Canadians will
    stop terrorism, any more than seizing elderly ladies' shampoo at the
    airport? Professional terrorists don't arrive at the border with a
    crumpled Canadian Tire card, then plead to get in. They have real fake
    passports.

    Europe has gone the other way and eliminated all borders - you can
    drive from Spain into France without noticing. Meanwhile, we need a
    passport to ski in Vermont, which many Quebecers consider part of
    Canada.

    What next? Will you build an Ice Curtain between our countries and jam
    our TV stations in the U.S. - to prevent Rick Mercer making fun of
    you? Search and seize our hockey teams at airport security and
    confiscate their skates?

    It's time Americans learned the truth about Canada, instead of the
    jokes they hear from late-night comics.

    Just last Tuesday, Jon Stewart said the only reason Canada can afford
    medicare is that "Canadians don't get sick, because they eat trees, In
    fact the closest living relative to the Canadian is the beaver." "Oh,"
    tittered Stewart's guest." Won't that offend your Canadian viewers?

    "No," Stewart retorted, "Canadians don't watch TV. They just got this
    new thing called radio and they sit up all night listening to the Lone
    Ranger."

    Exactly right. In fact, we're way too busy listening to Tonto to go
    and make bombs - or carry passports. So President Obama, hear this:
    We're not going to take it anymore!

    Open that border and shape up - or ship back that made-in-Canada
    BlackBerry right now.

    http://www.montrealgazette.com/news/Presiden t+What+Canada+ever/1622348/story.html
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