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REFLECTIONS AS AN ARMENIAN WOMAN ON INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY
ianyan magazine
http://www.ianyanmag.com/?p=2084
March 8 2010
I often think about what my life would have been like if my parents
had decided to weather the Iranian Revolution and stay put in Tehran.
At least on a superficial level I would look different, forced to wear
a chador if and when I decided to step out of the house, but would my
life be any different? Would I still have chosen the same career path?
Would my priorities change? As a woman, there is little doubt that I
would be subject to some kind of discrimination, certainly if I was
involved in a movement or in media. Having been raised in the United
States, I will never know what my future in Iran would have been like
and because I have never lived in Armenia, I cannot speak from first
hand experience about the trials and tribulations Armenian women face
in their country.
As an Armenian-American however, a title I have finally begun
making peace with, I can speak about the experiences, struggles,
disappointments and long road ahead to progress women who struggle
to blend two identities face.
This two-fold identity is as strong and binding as a long,
interconnected strand of DNA, and the pressures of both are equally
distributed throughout an Armenian-American women's body.
Two polarizing tides are always battling with each other, one always
overriding the other, but never managing to leave enough room for
equal footing.
Although I feel fortunate enough to have had parents who never once
told me what I could or couldn't do on the basis of my gender,
on International Women's Day, here is my take on a few issues
Armenian-American women face.
Marriage
At the heart of Armenian culture lies the nuclear family. Its tentacles
reach outward in every direction, having a hold in every aspect of
your life and the decisions you make for it. While this might keep
you grounded and focused, the traditional expectations piled on you
in a Western, progressive setting is many times too much to handle.
Conquering the world of marriage and dating is perhaps the best
example. You'll be sitting quietly, at a family gathering, sipping
some tea and eating baklava, and your grandma, aunt, cousin, [insert
relative here] will wander over and sure enough, ask you the age old
question you don't want to hear.
"So...when are you getting married?"
You look down, trying to rack your brain for an intelligent answer
to a stupid question and you draw a blank, and then, before you can
answer, the microphone is snatched.
"You know, you don't know have much time. Do you want to be alone
for the rest of your life?"
Armenian relatives and family members have this amazing charm of making
a young 20-something girl feel like a 60-year-old woman with five
cats. It's precious. The fact is that Armenians, just like other close
knit cultures, have an obsession with marriage. And babies. If you've
reached the old age of 25, and still, no outrageously expensive diamond
has appeared on your finger, then that's it. You better give up hope
right now and build yourself a bunker under the ground, because you're
doomed. If you can't get married, what's the purpose of your life? And
worse, if you don't pop out some kids no later than a few years of
being married, what will you ever have to look forward to? Clearly,
you are tarnishing the good name and fortune of your family, right?
I have heard stories like this and I have experienced some of it
by extended relatives myself, albeit not as extreme as the scenario
above, but as an Armenian-American woman, there are a few choice words
I have for this particular mentality, mainly, that there is no time
line on love, marriage and family. There is no, "you must" and no
"you have to." You are not less of a person, less of an Armenian,
and certainly not less of a woman if you decide to not get married,
or not have kids, or have kids and get married in your 30s, 40s or 50s.
Your life can play out however you want it to. There is no cookie
cutter formula you must follow.
To Armenian-American women whose goal in life it is to find a money
making Armenian man, I want to say, you are worth so much more than
that. You define yourself and you (not your mother or grandmother)
are in charge of your own life and you are entitled to march to the
beat of your own drum.
Education & Career
It is interesting how Armenian parents push their daughters to get
married and start their lives, yet discourage them from going away
to college and carving out career paths that don't involve being a
doctor, dentist or lawyer. Even in 2010, I hear stories from college
age women who have settled on local community colleges or universities,
even with acceptance in to some of the best universities the U.S. has
to offer, because their parents denied them the opportunity to be away
from home. Many of those who stay near their families are encouraged
to choose majors not on the basis of passion or creativity, but of
money. The best gift parents can give their children, they feel, is a
safety net lined by dollar bills. This attachment causes a plethora of
problems for talented women who now feel that anything that involves
risk shouldn't be an option and the possibility of exploring more
than just the 25 mile circle their in is paved with fear.
It's not un-Armenian to move out before you're married or to go
hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family in order to
pursue the passions you hold dear to your heart. It is however,
blatant discrimination and bad parenting to never allow your child
to flourish the way they want to, especially when you've come to a
country that gives women the opportunities of lifetimes from countries
in which opportunities are not readily available for women.
Guess what? Armenian women have sex. Lots of it, most of them before
marriage. You know what else? It doesn't make them dirty, used, less
valuable or shameful. It also, has nothing to do with faith or God
and most of the time, it has absolutely no connection to yielding
offspring. Women enjoy sex. Armenian women enjoy sex. They find
pleasure in it and no one has the right to tell a woman that it's
"amot" to explore their sexuality.
A woman has a relationship with her body, a body that she owns, a body
that is under no law, no rules from anyone else. A sexually active,
responsible Armenian woman is not less of a woman, in fact, I would
argue to say that she is more of a woman. Armenian women, have sex,
but arm yourself with the most important of tools: not religion,
but knowledge. Educate yourself on STDs, about HIV/AIDS, about
contraceptives, about your bodies and do not give a second thought
to any man who has the audacity to tell you or make you believe that
you are less of an Armenian, or less of an Armenian woman because
you did the same thing he's probably been doing for years.
My ending thoughts are this: Armenian women are strong, confident
human beings who should be given equal opportunities and equal rights
in all aspects of life and should be respected by not only men
and women alike, but they should respect themselves, their wants,
desires, needs and their bodies. Women, do not feel obligated to
carry cultural crosses. Being a strong, independent woman doesn't
replace your Armenian culture, it enhances it.
ianyan magazine
http://www.ianyanmag.com/?p=2084
March 8 2010
I often think about what my life would have been like if my parents
had decided to weather the Iranian Revolution and stay put in Tehran.
At least on a superficial level I would look different, forced to wear
a chador if and when I decided to step out of the house, but would my
life be any different? Would I still have chosen the same career path?
Would my priorities change? As a woman, there is little doubt that I
would be subject to some kind of discrimination, certainly if I was
involved in a movement or in media. Having been raised in the United
States, I will never know what my future in Iran would have been like
and because I have never lived in Armenia, I cannot speak from first
hand experience about the trials and tribulations Armenian women face
in their country.
As an Armenian-American however, a title I have finally begun
making peace with, I can speak about the experiences, struggles,
disappointments and long road ahead to progress women who struggle
to blend two identities face.
This two-fold identity is as strong and binding as a long,
interconnected strand of DNA, and the pressures of both are equally
distributed throughout an Armenian-American women's body.
Two polarizing tides are always battling with each other, one always
overriding the other, but never managing to leave enough room for
equal footing.
Although I feel fortunate enough to have had parents who never once
told me what I could or couldn't do on the basis of my gender,
on International Women's Day, here is my take on a few issues
Armenian-American women face.
Marriage
At the heart of Armenian culture lies the nuclear family. Its tentacles
reach outward in every direction, having a hold in every aspect of
your life and the decisions you make for it. While this might keep
you grounded and focused, the traditional expectations piled on you
in a Western, progressive setting is many times too much to handle.
Conquering the world of marriage and dating is perhaps the best
example. You'll be sitting quietly, at a family gathering, sipping
some tea and eating baklava, and your grandma, aunt, cousin, [insert
relative here] will wander over and sure enough, ask you the age old
question you don't want to hear.
"So...when are you getting married?"
You look down, trying to rack your brain for an intelligent answer
to a stupid question and you draw a blank, and then, before you can
answer, the microphone is snatched.
"You know, you don't know have much time. Do you want to be alone
for the rest of your life?"
Armenian relatives and family members have this amazing charm of making
a young 20-something girl feel like a 60-year-old woman with five
cats. It's precious. The fact is that Armenians, just like other close
knit cultures, have an obsession with marriage. And babies. If you've
reached the old age of 25, and still, no outrageously expensive diamond
has appeared on your finger, then that's it. You better give up hope
right now and build yourself a bunker under the ground, because you're
doomed. If you can't get married, what's the purpose of your life? And
worse, if you don't pop out some kids no later than a few years of
being married, what will you ever have to look forward to? Clearly,
you are tarnishing the good name and fortune of your family, right?
I have heard stories like this and I have experienced some of it
by extended relatives myself, albeit not as extreme as the scenario
above, but as an Armenian-American woman, there are a few choice words
I have for this particular mentality, mainly, that there is no time
line on love, marriage and family. There is no, "you must" and no
"you have to." You are not less of a person, less of an Armenian,
and certainly not less of a woman if you decide to not get married,
or not have kids, or have kids and get married in your 30s, 40s or 50s.
Your life can play out however you want it to. There is no cookie
cutter formula you must follow.
To Armenian-American women whose goal in life it is to find a money
making Armenian man, I want to say, you are worth so much more than
that. You define yourself and you (not your mother or grandmother)
are in charge of your own life and you are entitled to march to the
beat of your own drum.
Education & Career
It is interesting how Armenian parents push their daughters to get
married and start their lives, yet discourage them from going away
to college and carving out career paths that don't involve being a
doctor, dentist or lawyer. Even in 2010, I hear stories from college
age women who have settled on local community colleges or universities,
even with acceptance in to some of the best universities the U.S. has
to offer, because their parents denied them the opportunity to be away
from home. Many of those who stay near their families are encouraged
to choose majors not on the basis of passion or creativity, but of
money. The best gift parents can give their children, they feel, is a
safety net lined by dollar bills. This attachment causes a plethora of
problems for talented women who now feel that anything that involves
risk shouldn't be an option and the possibility of exploring more
than just the 25 mile circle their in is paved with fear.
It's not un-Armenian to move out before you're married or to go
hundreds or thousands of miles away from your family in order to
pursue the passions you hold dear to your heart. It is however,
blatant discrimination and bad parenting to never allow your child
to flourish the way they want to, especially when you've come to a
country that gives women the opportunities of lifetimes from countries
in which opportunities are not readily available for women.
Guess what? Armenian women have sex. Lots of it, most of them before
marriage. You know what else? It doesn't make them dirty, used, less
valuable or shameful. It also, has nothing to do with faith or God
and most of the time, it has absolutely no connection to yielding
offspring. Women enjoy sex. Armenian women enjoy sex. They find
pleasure in it and no one has the right to tell a woman that it's
"amot" to explore their sexuality.
A woman has a relationship with her body, a body that she owns, a body
that is under no law, no rules from anyone else. A sexually active,
responsible Armenian woman is not less of a woman, in fact, I would
argue to say that she is more of a woman. Armenian women, have sex,
but arm yourself with the most important of tools: not religion,
but knowledge. Educate yourself on STDs, about HIV/AIDS, about
contraceptives, about your bodies and do not give a second thought
to any man who has the audacity to tell you or make you believe that
you are less of an Armenian, or less of an Armenian woman because
you did the same thing he's probably been doing for years.
My ending thoughts are this: Armenian women are strong, confident
human beings who should be given equal opportunities and equal rights
in all aspects of life and should be respected by not only men
and women alike, but they should respect themselves, their wants,
desires, needs and their bodies. Women, do not feel obligated to
carry cultural crosses. Being a strong, independent woman doesn't
replace your Armenian culture, it enhances it.