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You need friends to win in Eurovision

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  • You need friends to win in Eurovision

    The Telegraph, United Kingdom
    May 20 2006

    You need friends to win in Eurovision
    By Ed West
    (Filed: 20/05/2006)



    The latest act in the Yugoslav drama plays out tomorrow when tiny
    Montenegro votes on independence from Serbia. And while Croatia's
    tragic schism with the Serbs was provoked by football rivalry, the
    final nail in the federation's coffin is karaoke.

    These old allies, who fought together against Croats, Albanians and
    Nato, are on the point of rupture over their joint representative at
    the Eurovision Song Contest, held tonight in Athens. In the Serbian
    version of A Song For Europe, Montenegrin judges were accused of
    tactically voting for compatriots No Name ahead of Serbian favourites
    Flamingoes, leading to uproar from a hostile Belgrade crowd and the
    terrified Montenegrin boy band being escorted out by security.

    With typical Balkan bloody-mindedness, the Serbians withdrew
    altogether, and neither country got to appear. To add insult to
    injury, their place was allotted to the best semi-finalist... Croatia.


    Controversy has been a staple of Eurovision, established 50 years ago
    by the European Broadcasting Union in the spirit of fostering
    European unity. And while the British treat Eurovision as a joke, for
    Europe's small nations it is their moment in the sun. After wins for
    Estonia in 2001, Latvia in 2002 and Ukraine in 2004, tomorrow Armenia
    arrives on the big stage, and nationalist controversy is already
    rampant. Neighbouring Azerbaijan is none too happy that Armenian
    entrant André has listed his place of birth as "Republic of Nagorno
    Karabakh". An Armenian MP has also complained that the song,
    containing Turkish words, is not "Armenian enough".

    But really, instead of trying to absorb Nagorno, Armenia's government
    should establish it as a separate state, thereby creating a voting
    buddy. That's the way Eurovision works: a Cypriot entry could simply
    walk on stage and belch, and still be sure of 12 votes from the
    Greeks.

    Various research papers have identified patterns of voting blocs,
    including the Viking, Slavic and Balkan groups and even an
    impressive-sounding Spanish-Andorran alliance. Lordi, Finland's entry
    and the contest's first-ever death-metal band, may not do for all
    tastes, but they can be confident the Swedes will help out, as they
    did for most of Finland's previous attempts, including Chirpy Chirp,
    the mysterious Pump Pump and the bizarre, accordion-led reggae
    interpretation Reggae OK.

    Likewise, seven-times winner Ireland can always rely on a generous
    score from the UK, almost as if it were a clause in the 1921 Treaty.
    And Germany often favours its eastern neighbours with guilt points
    (there probably is a German word for it), while everyone in Europe
    gives generously to Israel's interesting renditions. (No one is
    exactly sure why Israel is even in Eurovision, save for the suspicion
    that it would not do well in a Middle Eastovision, least of all with
    a trans-sexual diva like Dana International.)

    So if Eurovision is all about friends, what about Le Royaume-Uni? As
    with the Common Market and European Football Championships, Britain
    failed to enter the first Eurovision, which subsequently developed a
    French feel. Indeed, we have long suspected that the whole thing is a
    continental carve-up.

    Back in 1988, Scott Fitzgerald was way ahead of his Swiss rival with
    just two votes to go, but failed to get any reward from the Yugoslav
    or French panels. The following day on radio phone-ins many callers
    claimed that communist Yugoslavia had favoured neutral Switzerland
    over Nato Britain, while no explanation was needed for the French
    decision.

    And with ever greater eastern participation, Britain has declined
    from annual favourite to third-rate mediocrity, the low point coming
    in 2003 when Jemini's Cry Baby left the UK pointless, although
    everyone was too busy focusing on Russian teen lesbians Tatu, who
    finished third behind a Turkish "oriental-style rap" and a Belgian
    entry sung in an imaginary language (an good way to settle the
    Flemish-Walloon conflict).

    The Belgians could do this because the restriction on singing in a
    foreign language, designed to protect national culture but in reality
    a Canute-style Francophone struggle against Americanisation, was
    dropped in 1999. It worked: Poland was first to break the Old Europe
    stranglehold by singing in the language of rock and roll, and came
    second on its debut.

    At the other end of the scale, the Swiss had one of their worst
    results when they performed a number in the country's tiny Rhaeto
    Romantic tongue.

    In retrospect, the greatest tragedy of Eurovision was that it gave
    the world the "Swiss" representative Celine Dion. (French-Canadian
    Dion is not the only foreigner to have triumphed: in 1980 and 1987
    Ireland won with Australian Johnny Logan, while Estonia's winner was
    a West Indian who could not speak a word of the language, and remains
    the only black singer to ever win Eurovision.)

    So how can Britain take back the title? Or - a better question - do
    we in fact want Daz Sampson's Teenage Life to bring the prize back to
    Blighty? With the expense involved in hosting Eurovision, winning has
    become something of a white elephant. In one episode of Father Ted,
    the Irish judges deliberately choose an abysmal dirge by Craggy
    Island's finest to lose for Ireland.

    This trick was strongly rumoured to have actually happened in 1979,
    when the Spanish judges gave maximum points to main rivals Israel. So
    do not fear if we are left without friends in Europe; in the long
    term it will cost us less.

    From: Emil Lazarian | Ararat NewsPress
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